Bus Etiquette

I am a firm believer in taking the bus. Not only do you save money (Seattle has officially reached a record for gas prices), but you are also saving the planet. Duh. It's a win-win situation. I save the planet and I get around for free!

But of course, there are some "obstacles."

These obstacles are the plethora of people that ride the bus. These people are NUTS. Of course you'll have your random homeless people "misplacing" their bus pass (you're HOMELESS...why would you have a bus pass?!), but you also have your annoying businessman who is constantly using his bluetooth. I'm here to write a little about bus etiquette.

1) STOP EATING WEIRD SHIT ON THE BUS.
These are the people that bring curry on the bus. They sit there, take up 2 seats to have their own personal picnic and bring the stinkiest food ever. Seriously people, do you KNOW how small a bus is? That shit spreads FAST. You can't wait 15 minutes until you get to your destination to eat that shit? Seriously.

2) STOP TALKING ON THE PHONE WHEN THE BUS IS QUIET.
This especially happens in the morning around 7 am when everyone is still waking up. I really don't want to hear about what you thought of your best friend's outfit from the night before and how you plan on "finally hitting it" on Friday. NO ONE CARES! So stop talking on the phone so that everyone can hear you. Who the fuck has these kinds of conversations at 7 am anyway??

3) STOP DANCING.
I really don't care if you know the Soulja Boy dance and want to show off. Really, save it for da club.

4) STOP SMELLING.
It really amazes me how some people don't smell the odor coming from their bodies. If I can smell you from the back of the bus and you are sitting at the front, there's a problem. And you need to fix it. I swear...they really should offer little things of deoderant when you get on the bus. How can you not smell it?!

5) STOP STEPPING ON POOP.
Check your shoes before you get on the bus. If you stepped on poop, do the moonwalk on some grass before you get on. Please. This has got to stop. WHY DOES THE BUS ALWAYS SMELL LIKE POOP?!

6) STOP READING GROSS STUFF.
I am always astonished when I see creepy 47 year old guys reading porn on the bus. Don't get me wrong--I love porn. If I could, it would be available all the time. But when you're on the bus...it's just awkward. And you officially become "that guy" on the bus. Don't be "that guy."

7) STOP TAKING UP TWO SEATS.
I know it sucks sitting next to strangers, but seriously, when a bus is full, don't take up two seats. Even more, don't fucking roll your eyes when I ask to sit down because your briefcase was sitting on the empty seat. You're on a fucking bus not a BMW. Fuck you.

8) STOP PLAYING YOUR MP3 FUCKING LOUD.
Get better ear phones...or here's an idea, I don't know--turn down your shit. Sometimes it's funny hearing the music you listen to, but when it's death metal and you're sitting right next to me, it's a bit annoying. And again, it's awkward. Stop being awkward.

9) STOP ASKING ME OUT.
I refuse to accept a date on the bus no matter how cute you are. It's weird. Believe it or not, I've gotten asked out on the bust twice. Gross. I doubt I will meet my soulmate on the bus. Sorry.

10) STOP MAKING OUT.
I hate couples on the bus. PDA is disgusting, but on a bus? Really?! GAY. Stop. Stop now please.

And that concludes bus etiquette. You ALL know what I'm talking about if you've taken a bus. If it wasn't for me saving the planet, I would totally avoid the bus. Oh wellzors.