Back to the Blogging World.

I know, I don't update.

I'm really going to try now though...

Promise.

Updates to come.

...okay.

First off, I know I haven’t updated. Some of you have actually lectured me at bars at 1:30 am asking why I haven’t updated. I apologize. Well…here’s an update. Or more, it’s something I want to write down for myself so that I never forget.

A break. Some space. No matter how you put it, it sends the reject alert blaring in your face (I can hear the beeps now…). If you didn’t know, or have not talked to me in the past 5 months, I officially fell hard for my best friend. Yes, someone I have known for over 3 years. Someone who has seen me mess up. Someone who has seen me through my worse. Someone who has been a shoulder for me to cry on. Someone who managed to bring the best out of me. I fell HARD.

This past week we decided to take a little “break.” I tried googling “break” on the internets but it was impossible to do so without it having the word “up” right after. Trust me—I wanted to throw my computer out of the window.

So we decided to take a breather (way better word). For my personal awareness, I’ve decided to put down everything that has happened in the past week. Why you ask? Because

1) I don’t want to forget every feeling I felt. I want remember where I was when I broke down because I thought of her favorite ice cream flavor. I want to remember who I was with when I told them how much I cared about her.

2) I did some stupid shit. And by stupid shit, I mean STUPID. Things that I will never attempt again. So maybe when I read this in a couple of months, I will remember how incredibly dim-witted I once was when my emotions overtook the best of me. We’ve all been there right?

3) Most importantly, I want to remember what I took out of this. Why was the break necessary? If I’m so in love, what is wrong? In the end, this time of reflection has taught me a couple of very important things…and as gay as it sounds (no pun intended), I will have them for the rest of my life.

So it’s been one week. One week since we sat in her car and cried. There was no music. There were no words. Just tears. As I drove home blaring Dashboard Confessional I kept thinking how the fuck I was going to get through this. We have spent every living minute together for the past 4 months—never sleeping alone. Always on the phone. Eating every meal together. Seriously, what the fuck was I going to do?

The first few days were ROUGH. And by rough, I mean the hardest thing I had ever undergone. The pain was excruciating. I felt like my heart was at the bottom of my feet and no matter what I did to revive it, it would bitchslap me in the face and the throbbing would begin all over again. I spent most of my time in my room, door locked, lights off, TV on, and under some very heavy sedatives (the stupid part). I nicknamed my bed “the island” and vowed never to leave my island. This of course meant not eating for 4 days (…at least I lost some weight), being a horrible dog owner, and just an all around Debbie Downer.

My friends tried to stop by. But I forced them to sit on the island with me. By the 2nd night, the island was packed with friends carefully watching over me, thinking I was going to expire (again, the stupid part). No matter what I did, I could not stop thinking about her. When I closed my eyes, I could see her lying next to me. I can see her big brown eyes, her cracked smile, and my favorite part—her smile lines. When there was silence in the room, I can hear her voice telling me some ridiculous story, her laugh after every AWESOME joke I made, the sound of her kissing my forehead. And if I tried really hard, I can feel her lying right next to me, holding my hand. My body was numb. My heart was done for. The island was my calling.

By the fourth day, one of my very good friends forced me out of bed. She asked me to run “errands” with her. Little did I know, I would get another slap in the face…except this time, it would be a good one. We went and visited her mom, who is probably the most inspiring person I’ve ever met. She has undergone some serious shit and although I can’t get into detail, she turned out to be the biggest reality check. My friend rarely brings friends to visit her mom, so I knew it was a big deal for me to meet her. I learned that what I was going through—for ONE week, was something manageable. And that inevitably, I needed to leave my island. I had to be strong…so I could fight for her.

And so the drunken debauchery begins.
This is the messy part. I hate to admit it, but drinking my sorrows away definitely helped a little. Not only did it pass the time (and a vacation from my island…), but it made for some good stories. Slowly, I was starting to get my sense of humor back. Downing a bottle of wine before my roommate’s play probably wasn’t a good idea (wait seriously, what happened?). Or going to Bruce Lee’s gravesite at 7 pm. Dancing with the shirtless man that sells ribs outside of a really popular bar for 40 minutes while onlookers stared (one even videotaped it…oops). Puking in random bushes. Smoking 3 packs of cigarettes, being the focus of hundreds of pictures. Having a dance party at my house with a handful of gay men that I brought home from a club dancing to Amber and Enrique Iglesias. Falling asleep on random couches (Alki Beach anyone?). Having my sunglasses permanently attached to my head.

But then again, there was some soberness too haha.
Discovering new places for happy hour (Victory Lounge…$2 hotdogs and beer). Having a spontaneous barbeque but having like 20 people show up. Sober dance parties in my dining room. Bringing Bentley EVERYWHERE with me. Walks. Reading two books (everyone needs to read A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius). Learning the lyrics to Lil Wayne’s “Lollipop.” Realizing that I have friends who genuinely care about me and would do anything to make sure I was okay.

And now the lesson(s) learned.
Dun dun duuunnn.
For the past 5 months I have spent with her, I have enjoyed every minute of it. But in the process, I have lost track of some of my friends. And when things go sour, they are the first to catch me. They are there to listen to me bitch, but most importantly, they are there to hear me say how much I love her. And no matter what, they support every decision I make (and talk me out of some ridiculous ones…). I learned that you can’t be selfish with people. I learned that love really is hard. You have to work for it, it’s never just handed on a silver platter. But if it’s worth it (which she is), then it can be the best thing ever. Finally, I discovered how truly lucky I am to have the people in my life, including her. There was not one day I had a million phone calls and texts seeing how I was holding up, if I wanted to grab a meal to get my mind of things, or if I just needed to talk. So to my friends who put up with my emoness aka playing Death Cab songs nonstop and crying like a baby—thank you. It absolutely means the world to me.

Lastly—to her.

Lauren, You are my best friend. There is no one else in the world I would rather be going through this with. You have managed to change and move me in so many ways within the past few months. You continue to help me become the person I want to be and for that, I love you. Thank you for putting up with me.


-Enter Jason Mraz’s “Lucky” here-

why do i have this feeling...

...that i'm going to get really fucked

[and not in a good way].






welp, off to LA!

Hi.

I'm crazy about you.












:)

Thanks for the compliment

Lauren: Sometimes you say things that are funny and then I think about it later and laugh.
Me: ...


We are so awkRAD.

Oh boy.

I usually don't like reading into this, but lately I've found myself reading into astrology and signs. If you know who I've been hanging out with these days, then the following descriptions of our "relationship" just make sense. Not gonna lie--I laughed when I read these...

Here is a fellow adventurer who will take you all over the world & keep you smiling.
For Aries: This can be a good and a lasting relationship. You are both fun-loving and quite oblivious to the faults that might drive most people crazy. This is an exciting and adventurous union.

For Sagittarius: This is not a bad match while it lasts. Fun-loving, adventuresome, certainly compatible. Both you and the Ram like to do your own thing, therefore you often part on friendly terms as you go off in your own directions.

Perfect temperamental match for Aries. Both enjoy the good life. Both are impulsive and brutally frank. They each have a wonderful sense of humor would enjoy each others company. Their only problem could be in the bedroom. Both like to socialize and have extravagant tastes. Both are brutally frank and arguments could be like World War Three. Aries sexual aggressiveness doesn’t sit well with Sagittarius. Both love the outdoors and love to talk about their interests. A perfect match.

...

Sagittarius will be drawn to Aries intensity and wild side. Both love to play with fire and neither will mind using flattery to get sex. They get along great as friends and lovers and a mutually strong attraction can and will lead to a long-term love relationship. A love of the good life and lots of laughter will be experienced together. Children and animals will be involved in this relationship. Both have met someone that matches their stamina, in and out of the bedroom. Sex could be explosive and will be a reason to keep coming back to one another. They are a powerful combination and friends will maintain that each of them have met the right person. There is such a thing called love.

...

Aries and Sagittarius are both the energetic fire signs and share a love of the outdoors, physical activity, and doing various things together. For this reason there will probably be an instant attraction on the part of these two that could last a very long time, although Aries may doubt the Sagittarians ability to make a success of a long term commitment and in turn, Sagittarius could believe that Aries is ideal as long as Aries accepts the Sagittarians idea of freedom.

The Sagittarian feels that Aries should conquer the jealousy he or she may feel over what the sagittarian considers 'harmless' flirtations. Aries feels that the Sagittarian must be true in order to earn any respect and consideration he or she has any right to.

Later in life Sagittarius may come to appreciate the warmth and advantages of the domestic scene but Aries can not rely on this. No matter what age, the Sagittarian will always gamble with life and relationships which could keep Aries in an angry mood most of the time.

At least life with Sagittarius will never be hum drum, if Aries' nerves can withstand so much chaos. Sagittarius is not naturally faithful and feels most comfortable when juggling several affairs at once.

Aries, having much the same traits as Sagittarius will find living with this individual an...interesting proposition, but not if raising a family is the Arian objective as Sagittarius is anything but a family person.

While there is love a plenty to go around, Sagittarius will rarely take the time with children that an Arian will. All in all this could be a very good match and if the stars are well aspected, you could say it is a match made in Heaven.

Hmmm...

Spring Break 2008! Oh snaps!

This was the first spring break I didn't go anywhere. It's the first time in about 5 years I didn't go to LA. Therefore, I was a little hesitant to see how my break would turn. Even more, I celebrated my 22nd birthday during Spring Break. I wasn't looking forward to it, but it turned out pretty fucking amazing and I only have one person to thank. You know who you are.

Fuck I wish I could put into words how much fun I had. And it's all because of you. So thank you.